


A Christmas Party, part 2

by fumiko6



Series: Pageantverse [3]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Bilingual, Canon Lesbian Character, Canon Trans Character, Christmas Party, F/F, Interactive Fiction, POV Alternating, POV Second Person, Public Transportation, Science, Slice of Life, Social Anxiety, Trans Female Character, Transphobia, chinese-american life, very very loosely based on true stories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2020-01-11 09:15:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18427562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fumiko6/pseuds/fumiko6
Summary: A story of two Chinese-American women, Emily Chen and Karen Zhao, returning home from college.Based on an interactive fiction:https://red-autumn.itch.io/a-christmas-party-part-2





	A Christmas Party, part 2

**Author's Note:**

> Time: Winter 2017  
> Place: Massachusetts

#### Emily Chen

On the night before Christmas Eve, South Station is teeming, and you're alone on a precious bench.

It's nearly impossible for you to fly these days, so you took the bus back here from your college town in the middle of nowhere, Iowa.

Three buses, actually. It was a long trip.

But not too bad. Sure, everyone's heard the horror stories about Chinatown buses (and doubly so for someone like you), but as long as you kept a low profile, dressed ambiguously, and didn't make eye contact, no one seemed to bother you. Besides, it was so much cheaper than a plane or even driving. And of course you calculated the per-passenger-mile CO2 emissions, and it turned out to be better than Amtrack, given some fudge factors.

Your bus arrived at the station a few hours ago. Now you're waiting for Karen Zhao, your friend from high school. She's arriving on the last train.

Karen's the reason you're here.

Of course you're not going _home_ , whatever "home" happens to mean these days. But there is at least one person back in this godforsaken place that you give a damn about.

You haven't slept since yesterday night, but you're used to it. Her train should be arriving now. You wait. A small stream of people emerge. Then you see her, bundled up in a long black coat, with her old green backpack over her shoulders.

She waves at you, and you wave back. She sits down as you clear a spot.

"Um. Hi Emily."

"Hi," you say, trying to hide your trepidation.

A pause. She glances around the station.

"Um." She clutches her backpack. "Hi. Good to, uh, see you."

"Yeah. Nice to see you too."

Karen is still awkward as always. Not that you're much better.

#### Karen Zhao

Oh man. This is really happening.

The last time you physically encountered Emily Chen was last year (or was it the year before last?), before college started. That was when your parents gave you their old car as a graduation gift, even though you said that you didn't need it and that parking around campus would be impossibly expensive. So you handed it off to your friend Emily Chen, since she would need it more than you. Emily had talked about hitchhiking all the way to her college in Iowa, although she might have been kidding.

And now she's back here, without a car.

You lied to mom, telling her that you won't be home until Christmas day. Extracurricular activities, you said. Was it technically a lie, though? Anyway, you're not used to lying to her. And you never came up with a plan for today. So you're relying on Emily. You really wanted to see her, since you really missed her. Well, certainly not just her, a few other people too, but her most of all, since you haven't seen her in such a long time.

"So, what do you want to do?", Emily asks. The dreaded question arrives.

"Um, maybe we could stay at a hotel tonight?

"Huh, really? How would we pay for it?", Emily asks.

"I'll pay."

"Are you sure? I can split at least half."

"No, it's fine. I have a full scholarship and I save money from campus jobs and-"

"I mean, so do I. We'll find the cheapest hotel and I'll pay for half of it."

"Uh. Okay. Thanks." You're not Chinese enough to argue this any more.

"And can we even get reservations at this hour?"

"Um, yeah. Like when planes are canceled. Right?"

"Okay. Find a hotel and I'll make the call."

You're relieved. Emily still knows you well.

* * *

 

#### Emily Chen

You're in a hotel with Karen Zhao. Well, "hotel" is perhaps too generous for this place, with its stained ceiling and permeated by the odor of cigarette smoke. It was the cheapest place she could find on such short notice, at such an hour. "Hello, ladies," the front desk greeter said as you entered. That made you inordinately pleased; you aren't even wearing makeup or even presenting in an especially particularly feminine manner.

Maybe the six months of HRT are having an effect after all.

Neither of you are asleep, but both of you are pretending to be. Karen lies under the sheets, a soft glow noticeable from her phone. And you're just lying there, awake; even though your body is tired as hell, your brain just can't stop churning.

You shift to your side.

Let's be honest here: you're attracted to Karen Zhao. That's one thing that hasn't changed. She's switched her aesthetic now, with her short haircut and newfound predilection for flannels and men's jeans (some of them originally from you).

What do you like about her? Well, let's be honest here: she was the first person IRL to, well, see you as a woman. God, it sounds so fucking ridiculous when you put it like that. It's notable since half the queer club on campus don't consider you to be a real woman, but, like...

Of course, you're a little disgusted at yourself.

You have intrusive thoughts sometimes, maybe from reading too many arguments on the internet. Sometimes the thoughts pop into your mind without warning; sometimes it's some bizarre or not so bizarre trigger. The thoughts go in cycles. Of course you're a fake woman, and everyone knows it, only some are too polite to tell. Of course you're an object of disgust and pity. Of course you're an autogynephile. Of course no one wants to be in your physical presence, much less be in any kind of relationship with you.

You try to stop thinking that way.

It doesn't work. It never works. You can't stop having those thoughts. You want to cry. And you do. Hopefully Karen doesn't notice. Why the fuck does she even see you as a woman? Is she honest or is she just pretending, indulging in your perverse fantasy, out of pity or whatever?

No. That's wrong. Karen wouldn't lie. And you despise yourself for having such thoughts.

And your boobs hurt.

Yeah. Those. They're growing.

You turn around again.

You're tired. For real. And with that you fall asleep.

#### Karen Zhao

You've gotten up after some hours of pretending to sleep, but now it looks like Emily is asleep for real. She's lying on her side, eyes closed, breathing rhythmically, but still in all her clothes. You technically have to check out in a few hours if you only want to pay one night's price, so maybe you should wake her up sometime soon, or maybe not. You don't feel tired, and you don't know what to do.

God, why did you even mention going to a hotel? Is it weird? Or is it not? People, friends, do that all the time, right? What do friends do?

College didn't teach you much about that.

Not any more than high school, anyways. They say that you find your best friends in college, that you find people who you can relate to or something like that, but of course you didn't. Or haven't yet.

People told you that you could be out in college, and no one would care. Actually it was rather difficult and you're still not openly out, more owning to you than to any specific circumstance or the people there who are all super nice, of course. But you've somehow gotten involved in the tight-knit community of Asian-American engineers (why the heck did you pick the quiet dorm) who are somehow all super Christian even though technically you are too but they're like, way more so than you, and not that they're _not_ okay with the whole gay thing, but...

It's not worth talking about, at any rate.

Emily is still asleep. It's a little past noon. Not that you've never slept in, but now, it almost seems improper. Maybe you should wake her up. You've never waken up anyone like this before. What are you even supposed to do in a situation like this? She looks so peaceful. You can't bring yourself to wake her up. Instead, you pace about the room, tossing your phone from one hand to the other. And spend some time catching up on reading.

You're still technically some kind of biology major, and you're reading pubmed on the phone. It's your advisor's article, that he made you read before starting on his project. Something about stem cells and RNA and CRISPR or whatever, not so different from the work back at Professor Chen's lab. Of course you're not assimilating much from the article, maybe because you don't have any of the background necessary, but, well, you have to get through it.

At some point you're not sure if science is a "passion" (God you hate that word) or a coping mechanism for you. College admissions made you despise the word "passion". But how else are you supposed to describe it? It's what makes you wake up every day. Okay, not really, but still, it's something you are deeply fascinated by and... there you go again, back into college app mode... Sure, you enjoy science, but it's become more of a way to ignore your other problems. When you're thinking about science, you aren't thinking about how for all practical purposes you haven't made a single friend in college, or how you can't even bring yourself to talk to anyone from high school, even your best friends like Miri or... Emily.

Emily gets up after a few minutes. You look away as she tosses and turns.

"So what'll we do now?", Emily asks, after getting out of bed (she slept in her clothes).

"Food, I guess?"

Emily shrugs. "Sure."

* * *

 

#### Emily Chen

This meal is a combination of lunch and dinner. Linner? Dunch? What ugly words.

The two of you decided to go to some shitty Boston pseudo-hipster burrito place because you haven't been to a shitty Boston hipster burrito place in years. So, like, nostalgia. Or whatever.

You're glancing around the room. Hoping no one will recognize you. And that no one you know would be here. And even if they did, would they recognize you? Hopefully not, but there's always a chance. And what would happen then?

How self-centered. Besides, of course you wouldn't see anyone here; the probability is minuscule.

"How's the, uh, burrito?", Karen asks.

"It's, uh, alright."

"That's, uh, good." She takes another bite.

You don't know what to say. You don't have anything to say.

Outside, the sky is gray and the snow is beginning to fall. Right now it's just flakes that melt upon contact, but the forecasts say that it'll be yet another snowpocalypse. Wherever you decide to go, it's not going to be easy.

"Um, what should we do next?", Karen asks.

"I don't know..."

#### Karen Zhao

You've finished the burrito, and it was pretty good. Although no burrito should ever contain hummus. Emily's done too. And now you're wondering what to do.

"We're supposed to have a party tonight," you say.

"Yeah, at my parents' house?", Emily says.

"Yeah."

"And you want to go there?"

Well, 'want' might not be the correct term... "More like, my parents are expecting me there."

"Oh, that's fine," Emily says. "Then we'll go."

"You can leave if you want."

"No, I'll go too."

You dread showing up there. But, hopefully everything is going to be okay...

* * *

 

#### Emily Chen

Your parents are hosting yet another gathering. Even though you haven't talked to them in a year, you're still in their WeChat group, which is how you would have heard about it, if Karen's family weren't invited too.

Karen told her parents that she was meeting friends and would get a ride to the party. She has a way with not-technically-lies.

Thank god for public transit. Even though it takes an hour just to get from Boston to your parents' suburban town. And another thirty minutes to walk to the house. Fuck suburbia and fuck America's automobile dependence. In a better world, cars wouldn't be necessary. Then again, in a better world, your parents wouldn't have...

But it's nice, in a way, sitting in a bus with Karen (she still has her Charliecard), watching the snow fall harder and harder outside, all the while not saying a word.

The snow comes down in layers, seeping into your boots and your hair. It's getting dark, and you can barely see beyond the sidewalk. Karen's not complaining, so neither are you.

Every year it seems as if there's either no snow at all, or there's yet another snowpocalypse. Climate change is going to destroy the world and what the fuck can you do about it? You can't even get your fucking liberal arts college to divest from fossil fuels. The world is being destroyed and here you are, indulging in your bourgeois fantasy of being a girl...

No. That's not how it works. Just keep on walking.

You've arrived at your parents' house. You've even brought some food for the potluck, and gifts for your parents. What a filial and grown-up daughter. You almost smile to yourself.

Karen is silent. Your heart is beginning to beat faster. They called, occasionally. You spoke to them (which fucking voice did you even use and can you even do boymode voice anymore even though your fucking girlmode voice doesn't even pass and....

"So, should we go in?", Karen says.

"Uh, yeah. Right. Let's go."

Three...

Karen makes numbers with her left hand.

Two...

One...

You press the doorbell.

#### Karen Zhao

Oh no oh no oh no oh no...

You try to breathe. It's going to be fine, you tell yourself. But no, of course it's not. These things never turn out well.

The door opens, and it's some Chinese lady you don't recognize.

"你是...小马的姑娘吧？You're Ma's daughter?"

"是的。Yes."

"进来吧，进来吧！Come in, come in!"

She waves the two of you in, giving a strange glance at Emily. Emily pretends not to notice.

You take your shoes off, and head to the kitchen with your bag of pastries (not Chinese, but it'll do). It's a potluck so you and Emily decided that it was bad form to go there without bringing anything. After all, you're going as adults now, no longer as children (although, of course, you still are dependent on your parents, even if Emily is in a slightly more complicated situation).

You keep glancing at Emily. Secondhand awkwardness, or something like that? But she seems to be fine. She looks unfazed, better than you, even through the odd glances the adults give her.

Everything's going to be okay.

#### Emily Chen

They're looking at you.

You catch the eyes of each of the adults, turn by turn, as they glance at you and then look away.

You don't say a word. No one says anything to you, either. You're not sure if you stand out, that there's something about you that's just screaming "this is a fucking freak". Probably not, but you haven't looked in a mirror in a while.

Or do they recognize you still? As Song Chen's son? You wouldn't know.

"Hey Karen."

"Yeah?" She's popping some grapes into her mouth.

"See anyone we know yet?"

"You mean, like Aubrey?"

"Sure."

"I mean, not yet. Just the tiny children."

The adults are beginning to gather in the living room, in preparation for the food being served.

You catch your father's eye. He either doesn't notice you, or chooses not to.

Soon your mother follows. Karen's mom has found her, and they're talking now. Karen is smiling. Her mom hugs her. She glances at you with an awkward, almost apologetic look. Meanwhile your parents ignore you, and head to the dinner table.

"咱们开饭了!"

#### Karen Zhao

Ever since dad went back to China, mom has changed. She's been happier, smiling more, talking without so much angst. And she might finally be okay with _that_. You think she might have been drawing hints. Kevin is here too, playing downstairs with the other kids his age. He was too busy to greet you.

Right now she's getting you caught up on all the latest gossip.

"Aubrey 怎么样？", you ask. "她要来吗？ Is she coming?"

"哎呀，我忘说了。她们在Florida旅游."

"Oh." You sort of wanted to see her again.

"你没有听说阿？她有男朋友。她没有跟你联系啊？ You didn't hear? Aubrey has a boyfriend. She didn't talk to you?"

"Oh."

Your heart sinks for some reason. Not that you ever... it's better not to think about that. Good for her. Hopefully her boyfriend treats her right. Or something like that.

"他们都说这男孩子好可爱, 真的是好孩子。They said he is very nice, very nice."

"Oh." You expect mom to ask about your love life, but thankfully she doesn't go there.

Now, everyone is gathered in the dining room.

Professor Song Chen, Emily's estranged father, notices you, and makes his way towards you.

"秋怡， 好久不见了，你上大学怎么样? Qiuyi, long time no see, how are you doing at college?" He laughs, and pats you on the back.

"还行吧. Alright."

You glance around for Emily. She's disappeared.

"你现在还做研究吗？Are you still involved in research?", Professor Chen asks.

"Um, yeah. 我还做。"

You lose him when the eating begins. The Chens aren't Christians, so there's no obligatory prayer. Instead, they have the children grab food first, and then the young people like you and... Emily?

#### Emily Chen

Your father looks at you, but doesn't say anything. Of course he recognized you. Mom taps his shoulder. They disappear upstairs. To talk about you?

Anyway, another lady you don't recognize pushes you towards the table of food.

"你长的多高阿。真么漂亮。是谁的孩子？"

You have no idea how to react to something like that. Does she even have eyes?

"Um..."

"Who are your parents?", the lady asks, in stilted English.

"Sorry." You smile and wave, making your way towards the food. Karen's already there. You take a plastic plate. Shovel some rice. Take a look around; nobody's paying attention. Grab some stir-fried cauliflower and tofu. Are you still vegetarian? Take a fork full of cold noodles. Make your way to a secluded spot, or wait for Karen?

Karen finishes getting her food, and looks at you before making her way downstairs. You follow her.

The basement is cold, with its unfinished concrete flooring. And it's filled with small children (Karen's brother is here too). You and Karen sit on a rough couch, eating without speaking, as the children watch some movie. None of the adults pay you much attention.

Why did you come here, anyway?

What did you expect out of this? To force a confrontation with your parents, so that they finally accept you and your gender?

That's never going to happen. Your father knows better than to make a scene in front of others. And even if you did confront them, nothing would go in your favor. You don't even speak the same language as him. But maybe you'd try, oh you'd try.

Or you'd talk to mom first.

Yes, that seems better. "Mama, I'm home. Did you miss me?", you'd say in Mandarin. Do you still remember how? Of course; how would you forget?

"University is going well. I'm majoring in mathematics, and I have a good GPA. I have a scholarship, and I work in the school cafeteria and in IT support. I have made many friends (okay that's a lie)."

But how would she reply? Would she have any words at all?

Scenario 1: tearful acceptance.

The probability of that happening is miniscule. But, what do you know. Maybe you pass well enough that they have no choice but to accept you. Maybe you're pretty enough, like that woman said, since after all, appearance is all that fucking matters for women. And it's not impossible that dad's changed since the last year.

Not impossible. Just highly unlikely.

Scenario 2: pretend as if nothing happened.

They won't say they were wrong, or that you were wrong. It'll be like you never left, like dad never kicked you out. Maybe they'll pretend that you've never changed. Maybe they'll call you by your old name again, and you'll accept it even though it hurts because that's the price for peace, until you can leave for college again. After all, you're only here for break.

Perhaps this is the most realistic outcome.

Scenario 3: outright rejection

Dad will yell at you, just like every other time this sort of thing has happened. Mom will stay silent, quietly approving. It'll be as if nothing changed. You'll leave, take an uber to a hotel even though fuck uber and you have fuck all for spending money.

But none of this is going to happen, because you're not going to talk to them.

Silence. Nothing is going to happen. Nothing will change. Your parents won't speak to you. You won't speak to them. Maybe this is just a deferral, so that both sides have time to prepare for the future confrontation. Or maybe this is just the way things will go until the day dad passes away.

For some reason, you're crying.

"Are you, um, okay?", Karen asks. "Sorry. Do you want, like, a hug or something? Is that what people do?"

You're so fucking selfish.

#### Karen Zhao

Emily is crying. She doesn't answer. What are you supposed to do? Is this when you're supposed to hug her? To comfort her?

Stop being awkward and just...

You place your arms around Emily's shoulder from the side, as you slide closer on the couch. This is awkward, but then again, so is everything else worth doing in life.

Emily is crying, and you're trying to comfort her even though you have no idea how. Back in high school you never saw her cry, even when her dad yelled at her.

"Thanks," Emily says again. "Sorry I'm so messed up. It's got to be the hormones. Do you know that one of the side effects of estradiol is making it easier to cry? Well you do now."

"Um, no, it's fine."

You glance around. No one notices the two of you; the children are mesmerized by the television or their iPads, and the few adults down here are talking amongst themselves. Emily is quiet even as her tears stain your shirt.

Emily stays like this for a while, crying as you awkwardly hold her, while you keep vigil, hoping no one notices. Did you mess up? It seemed as if Emily just started crying for no reason, as she finished eating. Was it something you said, or something you didn't say? Were you too quiet, too ensconced in your own mind to notice her feelings?

"It's not your fault," Emily says.

"But, like, you can tell me what's wrong."

"It's fine," Emily says. "Nothing's wrong."

"Um, but..."

"Sometimes I just cry for no reason. Hormones, you know. I feel better now. See?" Emily tries to smile; it somehow doesn't feel right.

It has to be this house.

"Do you want to leave?"

"Leave? Where?"

"Go somewhere else that's not this house. Like, maybe we could go for a walk or something."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah. I mean probably."

Emily leaves your shoulder, and makes a motion of brushing herself off. She picks up her backpack and coat. "Come on then. Let's go."

* * *

 

#### Emily Chen

The snow is blinding as you and Karen walk the empty suburban streets. House after house, the Christmas lights are on, splotches of green and red and blue any color anyone can name, inflatable creatures and projections and movable sculptures covering the white lawns.

Maybe the tears on your face are dry by now.

"Merry Christmas," Karen says. "It's not Christmas yet, but, uh, merry Christmas anyways."

"Yeah. Merry Christmas."

#### Karen Zhao

It really its beautiful, the snowy Christmas Eve landscape. The cold forces you and Emily to stay close together to preserve warmth. You're holding her hand, and she's holding yours.

Does it mean anything?

Probably not. Friends hold each other's hands all the time, right? Wait. What kind of feelings do you have for Emily? Well, rationally speaking,...

You laugh. God, why are you thinking about that, at a time like this?

"Hey, is something funny?"

Oh God just talk about science or something-

#### Emily Chen

"...so, like, if we can build dynamical models of the regulatory pathways, then we can, like, use CRISPR or whatever to forward engineer them, and then, like,..."

Karen suddenly started talking about her research for some reason. It's better than the silence.

"Can you synthesize my hormones?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah! I think we could do that with yeast. But it's a hard problem, and, like, obviously I have no idea how to actually make progress here. And now I'm sad since... yeah. What's your science story? I know you're into math and optimization and stuff."

And you tell Karen.

#### Karen Zhao

Emily is studying some complicated combination of math, geology, and environmental science. She wants to work on global warming research.

"...If you look at the Arctic climate patterns, then you'll predict that parts of North America will get more intense winters even as the earth warms overall. And that's why New England is like this."

Your cell phone rings. It's mom, of course. She's worried; where are you? Are you with anyone? Mom didn't meet Emily at the party, but you say that you're with someone and somehow it seems that mom understands. She wants you to go back soon, before the driving gets even worse.

"So are you going back home?", Emily asks. You're still holding hands, now in front of some unfamiliar street. Hopefully Emily knows how to go back.

"Where will you stay?"

Emily shrugs. "I know where a hotel is, so I could just go there"

"Maybe you could stay with us?"

"Do your parents know about me?"

"Just mom now, and, um, I really don't know."

Emily is silent now as you start to make your way back home. You're still holding hands.

You're not sure if you have feelings for Emily.

Either way, you're not ready to deal with that now. But, either way, it's going to be okay.

#### Emily Chen

You can see the rows of cars in front of your parents' house now. Your boots are filling with snow, and you're getting cold. Karen hasn't talked much since her mom's call. But she's still holding your hand, and standing shoulder to shoulder with you.

"So, uh, are you coming with us?", Karen asks. "My mom, uh, she'll probably be fine with it."

"Are you sure? I could just..."

"No, it's fine!"

"What about your brother?"

"He'll just have to get used to it."

It's going to be okay. Everything will be okay.


End file.
